Sunday, January 25, 2009

Honestly is Another Thing Altogether

I was having "chat" online with my TS tonite. And the subject of honesty came up.

So many TS people are afraid to "come out" to their spouses or SO's. But the truth is that honesty is absolutely necessary - no matter how it goes or how things turn out in the future. IMHO.

If you hide your Transition from your spouse/SO it is living a lie no different than having an affair with another person. It will do that kind of deep damage to your relationship.

I think some of the fear is based on the subconscious knowledge that it WILL be bad! You know what? Get over it. It will be!

Well, shouldn't it be? Why should someone entrenched in a long term relationship take this kind of upheaval in stride? They have NO control over the situation. Their loved one, their life partner, is changing EVERYTHING about the relationship. They are walking out of the door of their lives..without necessarily walking out of the house! It should not be easy, it should not be pretty.

No wife or husband saw this in the fine print of their vows on wedding day. You married a woman, now there is a man. You married a man, now there is a woman. You are a lesbian in love with a wonderful there is a man. You are a man devoted to anther man, now there is a woman. These are often irreconcilable differences as irreconcilable as an apple and an orange.

BUT...after the first wave of anger and hurt..then hopefully the dialog begins. The forging of a new thing. Or not. Some will not stay. But some will. Some will see that their loves have been miserable and are now on their way to wholeness and in their sadness will find peace for themselves and their spouses/SO's..Sometimes we take our wholeness for granted...this shows up when we demand that they not do this and stop immediately. Some may feel the need to protect children, some may want to wound the TS and will use the children to do it. I would suggest that if the reader has this tendency..please remember that children will have their own opportunities to deal with when mom or dad "comes out" try not to transfer your hurt or angst on to them.

If they really love us with all their hearts and souls..sometimes they DO stop..for us. And soon they are broken and miserable..trapped in a body that they to not feel is theirs.

If we really love them with all of our hearts and souls, then we release with love to be who they are and to be made whole. And then we decide how far along their path we will walk with them. Some will walk for the rest of their lives, some will not. Some will stay friends, and some will walk away forever.

But what ever your choice as an SO or a Spouse, your life will be better for being there, and for loving and for getting to know this new, completed person.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

beautiful, thank you.

For the comments, as well as being there for me!

the SO