I was having "chat" online with my TS tonite. And the subject of honesty came up.
So many TS people are afraid to "come out" to their spouses or SO's. But the truth is that honesty is absolutely necessary - no matter how it goes or how things turn out in the future. IMHO.
If you hide your Transition from your spouse/SO it is living a lie no different than having an affair with another person. It will do that kind of deep damage to your relationship.
I think some of the fear is based on the subconscious knowledge that it WILL be bad! You know what? Get over it. It will be!
Well, shouldn't it be? Why should someone entrenched in a long term relationship take this kind of upheaval in stride? They have NO control over the situation. Their loved one, their life partner, is changing EVERYTHING about the relationship. They are walking out of the door of their lives..without necessarily walking out of the house! It should not be easy, it should not be pretty.
No wife or husband saw this in the fine print of their vows on wedding day. You married a woman, now there is a man. You married a man, now there is a woman. You are a lesbian in love with a wonderful woman..now there is a man. You are a man devoted to anther man, now there is a woman. These are often irreconcilable differences as irreconcilable as an apple and an orange.
BUT...after the first wave of anger and hurt..then hopefully the dialog begins. The forging of a new thing. Or not. Some will not stay. But some will. Some will see that their loves have been miserable and are now on their way to wholeness and in their sadness will find peace for themselves and their spouses/SO's..Sometimes we take our wholeness for granted...this shows up when we demand that they not do this and stop immediately. Some may feel the need to protect children, some may want to wound the TS and will use the children to do it. I would suggest that if the reader has this tendency..please remember that children will have their own opportunities to deal with when mom or dad "comes out" try not to transfer your hurt or angst on to them.
If they really love us with all their hearts and souls..sometimes they DO stop..for us. And soon they are broken and miserable..trapped in a body that they to not feel is theirs.
If we really love them with all of our hearts and souls, then we release with love to be who they are and to be made whole. And then we decide how far along their path we will walk with them. Some will walk for the rest of their lives, some will not. Some will stay friends, and some will walk away forever.
But what ever your choice as an SO or a Spouse, your life will be better for being there, and for loving and for getting to know this new, completed person.
P-
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Thursday, January 01, 2009
WOW What a Year!! aka How the Heck did this Happen?
Can you believe the end of 2008?
On the amazing side..we managed to actually elect a president who actually represents the demographic in this country..ie: NOT white-anglo-saxon-protestant. And although many in this nation are still patting themselves on the back about this amazing blast of equanimity, it's down right embarrassing that America has only now done this..particularly considering that most dominant countries in the world have had OMG heaven forbid..a woman..in the highest office of the land..including Israel and Saudi Arabia.
On the shameful side the economy is falling apart. And here in the state of California..we managed to let a no brainer for such a "liberal" constituency fall through the cracks.
How did it happen that such a common sense thing as the right to marry whom ever you please manage to actually be defeated in a bill that actually sets the State Constitution in a position to mandate discrimination?
The answer is simple, and it's the same answer which comes into play when cruelty and violence are directed toward LGBT individuals: FEAR.
Sensible people know that marriage for anyone does not threaten "traditional" marriage aka: marriage by religion in any way. We all assumed that reason would reign true. Sad wasn't it? What an error this was considering that this was the era of the offering of a Vice Presidential candidate who insulted all of the able and competent women in the Senate and House of Representatives by her complete and utter incompetence.
Going forward we must make sure that we don't fall into complacence again. Well, ok, I must make sure..
What were we thinking?
On the amazing side..we managed to actually elect a president who actually represents the demographic in this country..ie: NOT white-anglo-saxon-protestant. And although many in this nation are still patting themselves on the back about this amazing blast of equanimity, it's down right embarrassing that America has only now done this..particularly considering that most dominant countries in the world have had OMG heaven forbid..a woman..in the highest office of the land..including Israel and Saudi Arabia.
On the shameful side the economy is falling apart. And here in the state of California..we managed to let a no brainer for such a "liberal" constituency fall through the cracks.
How did it happen that such a common sense thing as the right to marry whom ever you please manage to actually be defeated in a bill that actually sets the State Constitution in a position to mandate discrimination?
The answer is simple, and it's the same answer which comes into play when cruelty and violence are directed toward LGBT individuals: FEAR.
Sensible people know that marriage for anyone does not threaten "traditional" marriage aka: marriage by religion in any way. We all assumed that reason would reign true. Sad wasn't it? What an error this was considering that this was the era of the offering of a Vice Presidential candidate who insulted all of the able and competent women in the Senate and House of Representatives by her complete and utter incompetence.
Going forward we must make sure that we don't fall into complacence again. Well, ok, I must make sure..
What were we thinking?
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